1. Oliver (child): “I never get a chance to get the ball when the bigger kids are playing.”
Parroting parent: “You never get a chance to get the ball with big kids.”
2. Larissa (child): “For a while I was doing okay with Algebra, but now I’m totally lost. What’s the point? I mean, when am I ever going to use this stupid stuff anyway?”
Parroting parent: “You were doing okay, now you’re lost and really, what’s the point of it.”
Okay, so while the intentions are good, the parent in each case, is missing the mark.
When we are parroting, we are more focused on memorizing than really listening, and the sender (the child in the above examples) soon feels frustrated. A challenge for parents who try to learn Active Listening solely from just reading a book (or a blog) is their inability to hear the warmth and empathy that must accompany their efforts.
Empathy means a quality of communication that conveys to the sender of a message that the listener is feeling with her, putting herself in the shoes of the sender, living, for a moment, inside the sender.
Everyone wants others to understand how she feels when she talks, not just what she is saying. Children, especially, are feeling people. Therefore, much of what they communicate is accompanied by feelings: joy, hate, disappointment, fear, love, worry, anger, pride, frustration, sadness, and so on.
When they communicate with parents, they expect empathy with such feelings. When parents don’t empathize, children naturally feel that the essential part of them at that moment—their feeling—is not being understood.
Okay, take two—this time with feeling:
1. Oliver: “I never get a chance to get the ball when the bigger kids are playing.”
Active Listening parent: “You want to play too, and you feel it’s not fair for them to leave you out.”
2. Larissa: “For a while I was doing okay with Algebra, but now I’m totally lost. What’s the point? I mean, when I am ever going to use this stupid stuff anyway?”
Active Listening parent: “You started off feeling pretty good, but now you’re struggling with it, which is discouraging…and you’re even wondering, why bother since it seems kind of useless to you.”
You want more? Okay, here you go:
Test out your Active Listening
Why Active Listening is Good for Your Brain
Some Useful Tips When You’re Struggling with Active Listening
Want to get REALLY good at this stuff? Learn it online with a certified P.E.T. Instructor.