When your child “Owns a Problem” or is experiencing strong feelings and Basic Listening is not enough, then the skill of “Active Listening” is needed.
WHEN TO LISTEN
To successfully use your Active Listening skill when your child has a problem, a decision to make or strong feelings about something, you need to:
- Have time and be willing to listen
- Want to understand and help the other
- Be able to focus your attention on the other, not on yourself
- Trust the child or other person to come up with solutions that are best for her or him
WHY LISTEN
First, it relieves “emotional flooding”. When your child is experiencing a problem, feeling can overwhelm thoughts. A child can become emotionally flooded when feeling crowds out thoughts. Active Listening relieves emotional flooding and frees the intellect to get back to work.
Second, it helps the other your child to identify her or his real problem. When your child tells you about a problem, it is easy to immediately begin thinking about how you can help him/her resolve that situation. But what the child first tells you is not the real or complete problem.
Most problems are like onions; they have a number of layers. By Active Listening to the child, you can help her peel back the layers of the problem and identify the central issue.
For example, let’s say your child says, “I hate Avery!” We would call that the Presenting problem. Active Listening to that statement might reveal more such as:
- Second Layer: “Avery gets so much attention.”
- Third layer: “It’s so easy for her to make friends.”
- Real problem: “I want to get better at making friends.”
Third, it assists the child in solving his or her own problem.
Once the “real problem” has been identified, most children as well as adults, have within themselves the solution that is best for them.
Solving their own problems increases creativity, self-confidence and problem-solving abilities.
You can learn more about how to communicate and resolve issues with your kids through Parent Effectiveness Training.