“How we treat children is far more critical to the kind of society we have than most people think…if we were able to democratize most families and schools….I’m convinced we would gradually see in successive generations a whole new ‘species’ of young people, discernibly different from the typical youth of today.”
Dr. Thomas Gordon ended his book “Teaching Children Self-Discipline” (1989) with this hopeful message.
To follow up on his belief, we recently interviewed a number of people in countries around the world who were raised by P.E.T. parents.* What they told us confirmed Dr. Gordon’s conviction and gave us even more motivation to continue to spread the democratic model that he developed.
Here is a small sampling of the powerful comments from those P.E.T. “kids”, some of whom are now adults, and are now parents themselves:
- “Now I have my own children and I’m using the same methods. It’s inside my head, my way to talk.” (mother, Finland)
- “In high school the only difference that there was between myself and my friends is that they were governed by punishment and being grounded and parents making their decisions for them. I grew up without those things. Now that I think back, it was clear that I was growing up in a P.E.T. household and they weren’t.” (adult, South Africa)
- “With my friends at school, I think they notice. I’m often the one they come to talk to. So potentially that has something to do with my understanding of listening and not just dismissing problems.” (teenager, Australia)
- “I believe that this skill (problem-solving) helps not only with my family but also with my friends and peers. It helped me see the perspectives of others and not only my own. Also, I came to the conclusion that there shouldn’t be a winner at the end of every argument; instead each one should conclude in a way to meet the needs of everyone involved.” (teenager, Hong Kong)
- “After learning P.E.T., my mom was more understanding. She started doing a lot of Active Listening. The way we resolved conflicts changed completely. She is the reason I took P.E.T. later on.” (adult, Egypt)
- “I try to do I-Messaging. That’s a difficult one to do all the time but I think I’m pretty good at it. And then I see them (his three children) doing it.” (father, USA)
- “I wish it was mandatory for everyone to learn these skills. Mandatory. Like kids should learn this in school and you don’t get out of school until you manage the communication skills. It would make the world a better place.” (teenager, Finland)
- “I haven’t seen many families with this kind of natural happiness that we have. And I think the Gordon Model and P.E.T. have a really big role in that. The biggest role.” (teenager, Hungary)
Given the times we are currently living in, it is more important now than ever to learn and use these skills—at home, at school, at work, with friends and yes, with people we don’t agree with too.
To sum it up with words from Dr. Gordon,
“It’s a living democracy we are putting into practice. This is what it means to live in a democracy with others.”
*Sheryl Wilde, GTI Team Member, conducted the interviews