Listening is one of the most vital parts of our communication with co-workers, spouses, children and everyone else we come in contact with in our daily lives. In spite of its importance, very few of us have any training in how (or when) to do it.
Since communication includes words, voice tone, facial expressions and body language, it is important, as a listener, to give attention to each of these.
BASIC LISTENING
The Basic Listening Skills are: Attending Behaviors, Silence, Door-Openers and Simple Acknowledgments.
1. Attending Behaviors: Since facial expressions and body language make up a very large part of communication, this is an especially powerful listening tool. Eye contact and such gestures as nodding, leaning forward, smiling, frowning and other body movements, used appropriately, let the other person know that you really hear them.
2. Silence: Being quiet and not saying anything actually gives the other person space and uninterrupted time to talk about his/her issue or problem.
3. Door Openers: Sometimes people need more encouragement to keep talking, to go deeper or even to begin. Such messages are very effective in showing the other person that you want to take the time to listen.
Here are some examples:
- “Would you like to say more about that?”
- “Sounds like you have some strong feelings about that?”
- “I’m interested in what you’re saying.”
- “Do you want to talk about it?“
4. Simple Acknowledgments: Short verbal acknowledgments such as “Um-hmm”, “So…I see”, “Ah”, etc. used in small doses, tell others that you’re attentive and interested and that it’s okay for them to go on talking.
These basic listening skills are very helpful in getting others started talking and in helping them feel accepted. But they have a limitation – they don’t prove that the listener has understood. For that, you’ll need to Active Listen.
ACTIVE LISTENING
The purpose of Active Listening* is to understand and accept the other person’s reality and then to let them know you understand and accept it.
To Active Listen effectively, you want to:
- Face the other person, give him/her your full attention and maintain eye contact (if appropriate). You can do this online during webchats, too.
- Tune out your own thoughts and feelings.
- Tune in to what the other person in the conflict is saying and feeling.
- Give feedback to the speaker stating your understanding of what s/he is saying and feeling.
Active Listening is not an easy skill to learn.
Most people in their relationships are accustomed to telling, questioning, judging, reassuring, arguing, disagreeing and other such roadblocks. Few have had any direct experience using this remarkable communication skill or being in a relationship in which someone else is using it with them.
For these reasons it takes a great deal of practice.
However, unlike a lot of other skills people try to acquire, Active Listening gives learners immediate evidence of the quality of their Active Listening.
If one’s Active Listening accurately mirrors back the sender’s message, the sender will say something like: “Yeah,” “That’s right,” “I sure do feel that way,” “That’s exactly the way I feel.”
However, if one’s Active Listening is not accurate, senders will respond with something like: “No,” “Not really,” “It’s more like…,” “That’s not what I meant.” And following such negative responses senders usually repeat their first message, somewhat modified or strengthened to help you understand.
This means that people can teach themselves to become skilled Active Listeners by doing it frequently and listening to the feedback they immediately get from the senders.
*Active Listening (originally called “Reflective Listening”) was a concept created by Dr. Carl Rogers. Dr. Thomas Gordon (friend and mentee of Dr. Rogers) introduced it to the world through Dr. Gordon’s P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) program.