While we here in the U.S.A. live in a political democracy, most of us were not brought up in democratic homes, we didn’t attend democratic schools or work in democratic companies.
So really, it’s no wonder that most of us didn’t learn how to be democratic in our daily lives.
Most people use the same methods that were used on them, which was primarily to use power in some form over children, students, and employees to get them to comply or obey.
To act in a democratic way requires specific intrapersonal and interpersonal skills—in self-awareness, personal responsibility, self-disclosure, empathic listening, collaboration, problem-solving and conflict resolution.
The GOOD news is these are all skills that can be learned, practiced and refined. They can become a way of life.
Before focusing on these skills, let’s first take a look at what undemocratic behavior looks like.
Undemocratic behavior:
- Using your power to get compliance and obedience.
- Having the ability and willingness to punish others, verbally or physically. (Verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse, if not more so).
- Getting your own way at the expense of the other person. Or staying silent instead of having the courage to stand up for yourself or your values.
- Not respecting others by criticizing, name-calling, being sarcastic, telling them to “get over it” or “you’re fine, let it go”, and so on.
- Not confronting others when their behavior (what they say or do) prevents you from meeting your needs.
- Winning or giving in when you have a conflict with another person.
- Allowing others to make decisions for you instead of thinking for yourself.
- Forcing your values on others.
Democratic behavior:
- Reducing the power differential when you have the power.
- Being unwilling to use your power to influence or control another person. Being unwilling to punish either physically or verbally.
- Having self-respect. Speaking up, speaking your truth. Taking personal responsibility for and control of your own life, needs, goals. Not waiting for someone or something outside yourself to meet your important needs.
- Being aware of your personal values. For example, asking yourself, “Why DO I feel so strongly about being on time?” or “What is it about A.I. that scares me?”
- Being able to articulate your feelings, needs, beliefs in a clear, authentic way. In other words, using Appreciative, Declarative I-Messages as well as the other types of I-Messages.
- Being able to say no when a request compromises your values or costs you too much in time or energy.
- Being able to effectively confront another person when their behavior interferes with you getting your needs met. (I-Messages anyone…?)
- Being willing and able to listen without judgment and with empathy when another person signals that they have a problem and you want to help. Yes, you guessed it—we’re talking about Active Listening.
- Being unwilling to win or to give in and let the other person win when there’s a conflict between you.
- Respecting the values of another person even when they’re quite different from yours.
- Having the ability to set goals and achieve them.
- Having the conscious intention to practice democratic habits every day.
So what’s your daily democratic or undemocratic vibe?
Have a look at the questions below and take a personal audit:
- Am I really clear on what my core values are? Have I developed my own opinions and beliefs? Based on facts?
- Does my behavior (what I say, what I do) reflect my values? How?
- Do I take responsibility for my life? For meeting my needs? How?
- Do I express my needs and wants? In an assertive, not aggressive way?
- Do I listen with respect and empathy to others?
- Do I engage with other people? Try to make a connection? Show interest?
- Do I use my power to have things turn out the way I want them to? Direct or subtle?
- Do I give in to others’ needs or wants?
- Am I willing and able to resolve conflicts so both people get their needs met?
- Does it matter who the other person is? Child? Spouse? Friend? Parent? Coworker?
In the 64 years since Dr. Thomas Gordon first began offering this model for relationships, millions of people have read one of his books and/or taken one of his courses. These concepts and skills have been passed on to the next generation of employees by leaders who manage this way.
And here’s the thing:
Each time this happens, democracy is strengthened. As more and more parents, teachers, leaders and kids learn these skills and apply them in their own lives—a society gets closer to being truly democratic.
And when that happens, it will not be possible for autocratic leaders to be elected.
*No-Problem Area I-Messages
**Active Listening
***Dr. Thomas Gordon