The other day, I suddenly realized or admitted rather, that I had the blues—I was, shall we say, in a super funk. And for me, reaching out and saying, “I need help” is NOT easy. But I realized I had to. And what helps me the most? Want to take a wild guess? Yep, Active Listening.
Now, I realize I’ve written quite a bit about this skill but WOW is it blowing me away more than usual. It’s the hardest skill to grasp for most people—it’s even the # 1 topic that trainers want to discuss at a special L.E.T. Trainer Forum here in San Diego in October.
Okay, so, where was I? Oh….right, needing help. My helper sat on the couch across from me and Active Listened to me for about an hour. Several times there were a few minutes of total silence. She didn’t say, “Is there anything else going on that you want to share….?”
Silence was golden at that time. I didn’t feel pressured to feed her more and move through my issue at her pace. It was for me, my pace, my time, my agenda, my path. She was there for me–letting me be me.
(Later, we talked about what it was like for her, as the listener. She shared this: “During the quiet times, though we call it ‘Passive Listening’, I felt anything but passive! I bit my tongue about 15 times during the silence. I thought about questions and ideas I thought might help you and I had to keep telling myself, ‘No! Resist the temptation to fill the silence…just be with her right now.’”)
And check out what Carl Rogers (the father of Active Listening) said about it:
“Real communication occurs, and this evaluative tendency is avoided [Read, “Roadblocks”], when we listen with understanding. What does this mean? It means to see the expressed idea and attitude from the other person’s point of view, to sense how it feels to [them], to achieve [their] frame of reference in regard to the thing [they] are talking about.” (From, his book, On Becoming a Person).
So what did that do for me? I was no longer in this fog where all I could dwell on were these problems that I felt were crushing me. I felt free, liberated and later that same day, my mind was able to think about new, creative projects for work, and solutions for this and that. It was absolutely amazing and mind-blowing–the difference before and after Active Listening.
I called my helper and shared this with her and we talked about what it is that causes Active Listening to work, what is it about this skill that is so powerful? I then shared something I heard recently from Bud Upshaw, L.E.T. Master Trainer, at a Train-The-Trainer Workshop. He said: “Ask your self ‘What is my intent here?’” (A very powerful way of really making yourself focus on the “task” at hand.)
Her intent was to help me. And to help me by not jumping in and guiding the conversation so it made sense for her. The intent was to help me get to my problems on my own so I could solve them.
You might be saying, “Yeah, that’s great and we’re happy for you, Michelle, but you know, I am at work, and where am I going to find someone who can do that for me or…”What if I don’t have time to do that for someone else” or…”What if I just don’t wanna listen?”
Yes, big questions for sure. And while I could write a super long blog on this, I am also guessing you’re short on time and would like a little something now to walk away with. Here are some random suggestions for the presumed questions you might have:
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Choose a person at work you think is the best listener you know and ask them for confidentiality. Invite them go out to lunch and ask them to be there for you.
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No time? I pose this to you: How much time have you spent dealing with repeat issues with people and so I wonder if you took even ten minutes to really, truly put yourself in their shoes, what that might do for the both of you?
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You don’t want to listen? Then don’t. No one wants to have any phony, “So I hear you saying…” followed by some lackluster attempts. So do it when you have the time and feel accepting. And one more thing—remember the first line of the Credo?: “You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep”? Well, on some level, you DO need that coworker you’re not so thrilled with and so you do value your relationship and showing empathy through Active Listening could be the “most potent factor in bringing about change and learning.” (<-another gem from Carl Rogers, from his book, A Way of Being.)
Next month, I will present two real-life different ways of approaching a conflict—sort of a before and after a la the Gordon Model. I hope you’re enjoying your summer thus far! Until next time!