Anyone at an organization, who has influence and/or has followers, is a leader. But for the sake of this blog, let’s say that you’re officially recognized as a leader.
And as a leader, you inherit each group member’s ‘inner child of the past.’
Likewise, you, too, bring your inner child to work.
Each of us has a history of being a child, intimately involved in multiple relationships with a variety of adults: parents, grandparents, schoolteachers, coaches, scout leaders, piano teachers and so on.
All these adults had power and authority over us when we were kids, and most of them used it frequently. All kids try out different behaviors to cope with these “authority figures.” Some of their coping mechanisms prove effective, some ineffective.
Those coping behaviors that work, get used again and again and so become habitual responses to all other adults who try to control and dominate them. People come naturally to these built-in patterns of negative responses; they learned them when they were children.
These coping mechanisms don’t simply go away when children pass into adolescence, or when they enter adulthood. They remain an integral part of the adult personality, to be called upon or unconsciously triggered whenever she enters a relationship with someone holding power or authority.
So as a leader, not only are you having to manage your team’s inner-child responses—you’ve got your own childhood “stuff” to deal with.
You might find yourself using the same coping mechanisms that were built in by habitual use throughout your lifetime:
- If you had a parent that hit you when you didn’t stop crying, you might not want to show emotions.
- If you had an older sibling who was often critical of you, you might hesitate to bring up ideas for fear of judgement.
- If you had a parent who often yelled at you to “get in line”, you might as a leader find yourself channeling that same angry parent to get your team to do what you want.
And on and on it goes.
We’ve all got our hidden demons from childhood, and we don’t leave them at home when we come to work.
Therein lies a challenge.
How can you and your organization function at its best when most people, including yourself, aren’t properly equipped to create a healthy and trusting climate? How can you manage others and yourself so that you all can relate in a respectful, honest way?
The good news is that there are options if you’re willing to get in touch with that “child” and learn new ways of being.
(This blog contains customized content from Chapter 2 in the L.E.T. book by Dr. Thomas Gordon.)