Sometimes parents use praise to soften up a child before they send a critical message, as in these examples:
- “Emma, you’re doing better than you were before, but you still need a lot of improvement.”
- “Gabriel, it was nice of you to wash the dishes, but you didn’t put any of them away.”
Not infrequently the effect of these double messages is that one fails to hear the positive evaluation (or forgets it) and responds only to the criticism. A variation of these softening-up messages goes by the name of the “sandwich technique,” which, unfortunately, is sometimes recommended as an effective way to deal with kids.
In this technique, a critical message is “sandwiched” in between two praising messages:
- “Katie, you’re obviously trying harder now, but you’re still making too many careless mistakes in your math homework. I know you’re the kind of person who can do anything when you put your mind to it.”
- “Chelsea, your teeth look a lot cleaner than they did a month ago, but you’re forgetting to brush at night. You’re smart enough to know that food in your teeth all night can cause cavities.”
- “You look so nice tonight, Kendrick. Of course, you’d look better if you brushed your hair, but you’re really showing a lot of improvement in your appearance.”
It’s not hard for kids to see the sandwich technique for what it is-an indirect (and therefore manipulative) attempt at controlling. When they get messages like this from parents, kids realize that the real intent is to criticize and call attention to unacceptable behavior-not to praise the acceptable behavior.
For this reason, parents who make frequent use of praise coupled with critical messages run the risk of being perceived by their children as manipulative, indirect, phony, insincere–sometimes as straight up dishonest!
Parenting Pro-tip: Try Positive I-Messages instead of sandwiches. If you’re below your line, you know the other kind of I-Message to use…cough…here’s information on different types of I-Messages to send when you’re in the No Problem Area!