(Excerpted from writings from Dr. Thomas Gordon)
It isn’t difficult to determine problem ownership. Whoever experiences negative thoughts or feelings “owns” those thoughts and feelings and only he or she can resolve them. If you or I attempt to solve someone else’s problems we tend to make matters worse. I have occasionally told parents that if they want their children to be dependent on them just keep doing things for them.
For example, continuing to tie a child’s shoestrings will almost guarantee that the child will have difficulty learning to do it for him or her self. It’s this doing-for that I used in seminars to define of the kind of help that disables.
I have sometimes hung a large sign saying “WATCH OUT Help may strike at any moment!” at the front of the room to provoke discussion about the difference between the kind of help that does something for someone as opposed to the kind of help that assists, which I define as doing something with someone.
There is a Chinese proverb that says, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” so when you teach people to fish, they’ll be able to feed themselves. And effective parents, teachers and leaders all use that principle to instill competency in their children, students and workers.
I don’t advocate a callous, hands-off, that’s your problem attitude toward people who are troubled or suffering. But I do advocate assisting, not helping them, not doing it for them if they can do it for themselves. An accurate assessment of problem ownership is a first step in the process of assisting.