You know that look.
The look from the other person when you’re trying out your Active Listening with the ol’, “So, it sounds like…”
Cue the eye-roll and maybe a heavy sigh added in, right?
What?!? You’re just trying to hear them, try out your new listening skills, right? Geez.
A couple of things may be going on when you get those reactions:
1. One is that you’re not listening at the right time—meaning that their behavior is below your Line of Acceptance, and you’re hiding behind your own frustration/fear of confronting and masking it with listening when you should be sending them an I-Message. People can smell that incongruence a mile away and get turned off by your attempts at listening with “empathy”.
2. Another reason for the eye-roll may be that every time you’ve begun your Active Listening, you start off with “Sounds like….” and they may think, “Oh brother, here they go again with that Active Listening stuff that they’re gonna use on me.”
If your genuine intention is to listen to them—without your own agenda and when their behavior is above your line—most people will cut you some slack if your listening sounds a bit robotic.
And here’s another tip: it’s even better if you tell them something like, “Hey, I am trying to be more clear and be a better communicator. I’m trying out new ways of listening, etc. so I just wanted to let you know.”
Active Listening isn’t intended to be a secret—let others in on what you’re trying to do—especially in the beginning when you’re new to it.
Okay, moving on to some (hopefully) helpful tips to begin your Active Listening!
…but wait…first, a couple of reminders:
1. To understand another person’s feelings and experiences you need to attempt to enter his or her personal frame of reference. However, since it is impossible for you to be the other person, the best you can do is approximate an understanding.
2. Consequently, most Active Listening responses should be tentative, leaving confirmation up to the sender.
Things to say that are useful when you trust that you’re tracking the other person pretty well and the sender is receptive to your Active Listening are:
• You…
• You feel…
• Sounds like you’re…
• From your point of view…
• It seems to you that…
• As you see it…
• You believe…
• You’re… (identify the feeling; for example, angry, sad, overjoyed)
• I’m picking up that you…
• I really hear you saying that…
• You mean…
Things to say that are useful when you are having some challenges trying to “get” their message or when it seems like the sender might not be as receptive to your Active Listening:
• I wonder if…
• I’m not sure if I hear you, but…
• Correct me if I’m wrong, but…
• Is this what I hear you saying?
• Is it possible that…
• Maybe you feel…
• Let’s see if I understand you…
Hope this helped and if you’re still feeling a little shaky in the listening department, “sounds like” it might be time for another L.E.T., perhaps…?
We have two L.E.T. online workshops coming up soon!
