Each parent has a unique and different “window” for viewing the behavior of another person. Two parents may have very different feelings about the same behavior of a child. There is “Good News” for parents in this fact. Parents can now rid themselves of certain myths about what a “Good Parent” must be like.
Myth #1: A “Good Parent” must always feel accepting of his/her child. Having a negative feeling is “bad.”
The truth is just the opposite. No parent is unconditionally and always accepting of her or his child. It is psychologically impossible. There will be times when you dislike very much what your child is doing, when you may have strong feelings of disappointment or anger.
No parent should feel guilty for having these feelings some of the time. Parents are people. It is also true that some parents are much more accepting or unaccepting than other parents.
- PARENT A – This parent is typically very accepting–a child could say or do just about anything.
- PARENT B – This parent is typically very unaccepting–you might call him/her “uptight.” This parent will be upset or critical at almost anything a child might do or say.
Each parent in a P.E.T. workshop probably knows several friends, co-workers, family members, etc., that fit into each category. Each parent who takes P.E.T. probably sees him/herself as tending toward one of these extremes.
Myth #2: Parents must be consistent with their children; their feelings must always be the same.
This is also impossible because of the three factors that we know keep the line of acceptance moving up and down. It’s a very human thing to feel grouchy about a loud TV one day and completely accepting the next because you don’t feel the same both days.
Likewise, you learned that you will have different feelings toward different children and different feelings about what a child is doing depending on the location–the environment – where the child is behaving.
No parent should feel guilty about being human, about having feelings that depend on different circumstances.
Myth #3: When there are two parents, a parent and a grandparent, or a parent and a child helper living with or having daily contact with a child, they must maintain a “united front.”
Again, we know that this is psychologically impossible. Each parent does have different feelings, depending on the factors of SELF, ENVIRONMENT, CHILD. And when one parent tries to “fake it” by acting falsely accepting or falsely unaccepting, not only does the child usually see through it, but the parent usually feels guilty for acting phony and often resents the other parent for insisting on the phony role.
In P.E.T we believe that honest differences between parents are normal and ultimately healthier for all concerned. Parents won’t need a united front after P.E.T. for another reason, too. They will have skills for effectively handling their different feelings with each other and with their children.
Being supportive is different than a united front.
You can still be supportive of your spouse’s needs without a “false” united front. A parent might say: “That behavior is not a problem for me, but it is for your mom/dad right now, and her/his feelings are important to me, so you need to find a different solution.”
P.E.T. provides skills of problem-solving and facilitating so you can assist them in working it out.
And when you honestly and clearly explain why you accept a behavior one day and not another; why you might have different expectations for different children; why two parents might see the same behaviors differently, this helps your child understand.