P.E.T. Philosophy
A good way of thinking about the Gordon Model is that it's a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. The essence of the model can be more easily grasped by Dr. Gordon's Credo for My Relationships.
At the very root of Dr. Gordon's parenting philosophy is a belief that children aren't bad or mischievious; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; a four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.
Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs'. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.
But it doesn't have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met.
The Gordon Model is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children's behavior. One key to the model is a skill called Active Listening. When the child has a problem, this skill allows parents to really understand what the child is feeling at the moment, and allows him to delve deeper into whatever is bothering him, often a leading cause of "misbehavior."
When parents have a problem, they need an entirely different skill: I-Messages. This is a tool parents use to explain to the child that her behavior is causing the parent a problem. Because it does so in a non-blameful manner that reduces her resistance to the message. The idea here is to influence the child to want to change her behavior in consideration of parents' needs. A well thought out I-Message makes children want to cooperate, and it leaves their self-esteem intact. But more than that, it teaches them a valuable lesson in self-discipline: They change their behavior not because they fear their parents (or because they'll get some sort of reward) but because they care about their needs. This is how children are taught empathy, and empathy is the root of emotional intelligence, maturity and self-discipline.
Active Listening and I-Messages work as a team. Once parents and children have established open two-way communication using Active Listening and I-Messages, problems and conflicts can be solved using the No-Lose Conflict Resolution method. When parents want to influence children to stop some unwanted behavior, they can propose to the child a problem-solving session. Say three-year-old Nicky is jumping on the couch and his mom is afraid it'll get dirty and ruined. Mom can explain that she doesn't want him to jump, but that she understands that he is enjoying himself and needs to play. Is there a solution that'll please both of them? Mom can invite Nicky to help find a solution. Maybe he can go jump on an old mattress that's in the garage? Maybe he can go finger-paint instead? Maybe both of them can go read a book together? The possibilities are endless when both put their minds together and seek mutually acceptable solutions.
Equally as important as learning these skills is learning when and how to use them. Dr. Gordon's Behavior Window provides a framework to help parents determine which skill to use to solve any family problem.
For more information, please contact us:
Tel: 800.628.1197
Em: family@gordontraining.com
