Monthly Archives: May 2012
Blog post by Michelle Adams
Have you ever had people confront you by telling you only how they felt—nothing more—such as:
• “I’m upset with you.”
• “I’m really disappointed.”
• “I am worried.”
• “I am unhappy with you.”
Such messages can leave anyone puzzled and bewildered. If you were the receiver of such statements your first response was probably to ask “why” the confronter was upset, disappointed, worried or unhappy. Or perhaps you responded with, “What did I do?” The point is that telling a person only how you feel is an incomplete confrontation—it contains only one of the three components of an I-Message.* The three components are:
1. A brief, non-blameful description of the BEHAVIOR you find unacceptable.
2. Your FEELINGS.
3. The tangible and concrete EFFECT of the behavior on you. ...Read more
Blog Post by Michelle Adams
Excerpted from L.E.T. Trainer Guide, a copyrighted publication
There is a differ
ence between what actually happens and your interpretation about those events. It is natural and normal for people to observe events and then make inferences, interpretations, judgments, and evaluations about them.
However, many people confuse their interpretations with the facts of the situation. In our leadership training program, our trainers coach participants to begin conversations with the facts – especially when there are problems. The trouble with GLOP’s (General Labeling Of People) is that they always include some guesswork about the other person’s intentions or motives – something that exists only within the other person’s head. As skillful as we may be in our interpretation of another person’s behavior, we simply do not know for certain what causes another person to behave in the way they do. ...Read more
Blog Post by Scott Seroka
Little kids are very inquisitive. When you tell them something new, they ask “why.” And when you answer them, they ask why again, and again… Their curious minds want to drill down to the cause and effect for everything. They are constantly curious, and it is how they learn about the world until a parent’s patience starts to run on fumes and replies with the answer, “Because I said so.” Game over.
However, as we become adults, we don’t ask why quite as often. Why? Some of us fear appearing ignorant to something that may seem o
bvious to others. But in the workplace, each individual person must understand his or her why. Without that knowledge, there is minimal depth to a sense of purpose, and the pool of motivation is rather shallow. ...Read more
By Linda Adams, CEO of Gordon Training International
As I mentioned in the Part I of this article (posted May 22, 2012), it takes skill to figure out who owns the problem when there is one in a relationship. Failure to accurately determine whom the problem belongs to means that valuable time gets spent trying to solve it, usually without success. Remember that the core question is “Who has the unmet need here?”
Whenever a team member is doing something that prevents you from getting some need of yours satisfied, their behavior is causing you a problem. It is you who owns the problem.
However, should it be a team member or other person who is experiencing some type of need deprivation, think of that situation as one in which the team member has the problem. The other person owns the problem.
Key to the Whose Problem Is It Quiz: ...Read more
By Linda Adams, CEO of Gordon Training International
A team member come
s to work late.
One of your direct reports looks increasingly worried and tense.
These and dozens of other problems crop up every day both at work and at home. That’s inevitable. What matters is how they get handled which is something effective leadership training can teach you.
A good place to start is figuring out who the problem belongs to. That’s because different skills are needed to solve the problem depending on whose it is, or who “owns” it. Leaders need not jump in and assume responsibility for solving all the problems. As anyone who has done that knows, it becomes not only a terrible burden, but an impossible task.
Test yourself by reading the following examples and then deciding who owns the problem—who has the unmet need. Is it the leader or the other person? (Stay tuned as the answers will appear in a subsequent post): ...Read more
Blog Post by Scott Seroka
Listening can be a very difficult thing to do, especially when we’re preoccupied or under an inordinate amount of stress. However, for those of us holding management positions, we don’t always have the luxury of turning our employees in need away, or worse, tuning someone out when our undivided attention is needed.
The good news is, there is a simple technique you can implement today that will force you to listen, especially in those instances when other thoughts are preying on your mind…and it can be found in the definition of Active Listening – feeding back what you hear so that the sender (the person talking) knows you understand what he or she is saying. It is one of the many vital skills managers learn in leadership training courses.
Below is an example of how to employ “feeding back.” It is a conversation taking place between an overwhelmed manager, Melanie, and her employee, Tom. ...Read more
Blog Post by Denise Montgomery
Some lessons about effective leadership can be learned at business school or through leadership training. Others can be extrapolated from personal experiences that go all the way back to our earliest bosses—the teachers we had in elementary school.
Current research on employee autonomy shows that employees who are empowered and trusted to find their own solutions to problems are happier, more productive, and less likely to leave for another job. And it doesn’t take a raft of research to conclude that micromanagement is toxic.
I could have told you that when I was 7.
Come back with me to the early 1970s, when bell bottoms were cool, appliances were avocado green, and ABBA was hip the first time around. ...Read more
Blog Post by Michelle Adams
Originally written by Dr. Thomas Gordon and Speed Burch (co-author of the T.E.T. book)
One of the most important listening tools you can acquire is so blatantly obvious that when I advise people to do it they look at me as if I’d just pronounced sugar sweet. Well, here it is: be quiet.
Yes. Be quiet. You can’t possibly listen effectively if you are talking or thinking about what you will say next.
Let’s add a second tool. While you’re being quiet you need to put your attention on the talker. People in the “helping professions” refer to it as attending. You need to attend the speaker. Face him or her. Get eye contact; look at her/him. Maintain an open posture. Stay just outside his or her personal space, in what is called the comfort zone. ...Read more
By Linda Adams, contributing author to the L.E.T. Workbook
Ever heard of I-Messages? Or I-Language? I am sure you have. Guess where they came from? Indeed—Dr. Thomas Gordon. For those who are familiar with this skill, I think you will identify with these tips. For those who aren’t familiar, perhaps it’s time to sign up for that leadership training program you’ve been wanting to take.
When sending I-Messages, you DO want to:
- Tell team members and others why they’re causing you a problem, not what they should do to solve it. Give them a chance to be a helper to you.
- Practice getting in touch with your real feelings. If your I-Messages are usually angry, you probably don’t know the real feelings you’re experiencing when you have a problem.
(Here’s a really important point!) Ask yourself, “What do I fear?” because lots of times the behavior that you find unacceptable threatens the loss of something you need. ...Read more
Blog Post by Victoria Benodi
Just when you think you have this communication thing down, something comes along to remind you that good relationships take good work – and just because you took a leadership training course doesn’t mean you don’t need to be reminded to use your skills. Or, as I used to tell my kids, “Use your words!”
Last weekend, I got married. We had a fun, boisterous reception with a hundred people, preceded earlier in the day by a small ceremony with only a dozen people. It was beautiful, and meaningful, and even though it was my second wedding, it was the one at which I was fully present. My kids, my brother, my in-laws, my dear friends…all were on hand to witness our vows as we promised to take care of each other and each other’s families. Even my birth dad made the trip out from Maryland to attend the intimate ceremony – no small act considering that we were estranged for almost half my 46 years. ...Read more
Blog Post by Michelle Adams
The title of this could also be “How to Appreciate Those People We Don’t Really Like.” What in the world am I talking about you might be asking yourself. Here’s a little story for you that I hope clears up the title(s).
A mockingbird moved in to a very tall tree in my yard about a year and a half ago. He drives me absolutely insane. He sings his medley a
lmost every day, nearly all daylong and sometimes until 2-3 a.m. (Did I mention he drives me insane??) I’ve closed windows, turned on fans and still I could hear him and I grew to hate this bird that I used to think was so unique. I would never, ever hurt him but did decide that I would start squirting the garden hose at him because screaming at him to please go away just wasn’t working. Why me, why my yard, why won’t he just shut up??? ...Read more
Blog post by Michelle Adams
Acting as a consultant means to give advice under certain special conditions. Since a Values Collision involves unacceptable behavior in the bottom part of the Window* where advice is normally a Roadblock, these “consultant” conditions must be adhered to carefully.
These conditions are the same rules that are followed by successful professional consultants in any field. ...Read more
Here are the characteristics of the successful consultant:
- A consultant must get hired by the client. Leaders must get “hired” by the Other before they can consult. The consultant must “sell” his/her expertise to the other person, who must agree to listen.
- S/he must be an expert in the field to be believable. Leaders must know their facts and present them persuasively for the Other to seriously consider accepting that his/her current value is bad for him/her.
Blog Post by Scott Seroka
Just about any parent will tell you that kids are horrible listeners. They are, however, keen observers of human (their parents’) behavior and tend to imitate what they see. After all, whatever Mom or Dad does must be the right thing to do. It’s the reason people comment that little Becky is just Iike her mother. It’s explains the phrase, “like father like son.” If Dad uses a lot of profanity, so will the kids, regardless of those lame comebacks parents typically use such as “do as I say – not as I do.” Or, if Mom smokes, she is indirectly telling her children that smoking is a perfectly acceptable thing to do in spite of her lectures that smoking is very bad. ...Read more
Blog Post by Michelle Adams
Originally written by Dr. Thomas Gordon and Speed Burch (co-author of T.E.T.)
The best answer we can give is that it enables the upset or conflicted person to complete his or her experience.
There’s a theory that says experiences completely experienced disappear. All that’s left are memories of the experiences.
To demonstrate this theory there’s an exercise to do when you have a headache:
• Sit down and close your eyes, take a couple deep breaths and relax.
• When you’re relaxed, look inside your head and “find” the headache.
• Then ask yourself these questions: Where is the pain located? Does it have a shape? How big is it? What color is it? How much water might it hold?
• Repeat these questions until you can no longer find the headache. ...Read more
In this article, I am going to “think outside the box” and capture the “low-hanging fruit” of the corporate buzzwords that can cause real problems. There is certainly no lack of these catch phrases. We all probably have our favorites as well as our list of the most annoying slogans. The danger of these phrases may, however, go beyond just being annoying.
It may be that leaders are sending exactly the opposite messages from those they intend or that your organization wants them to be communicating. It will come as no surprise that most of the meaning in any communication is in its nonverbal components. Facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, body posture, eye contact and so forth may transmit as much as 90 or 95 percent of the total meaning of any message. In some ways, the nonverbal content is often more important than the words themselves. ...Read more
Blog Post by Linda Adams, author of Be Your Best
Conflicts between people are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life – at work, at home and in all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don’t really accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it’s clear that a conflict has emerged.
As long as everything is going along smoothly, it’s easy to be considerate and respectful of another person’s needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence of a conflict can change all that – now we can feel threatened, anxious and angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. That’s because of our vast, past experience with 
conflict, most of which was negative. ...Read more
Blog Post by Linda Adams, author of “Be Your Best”
In your relationships at work and at home, you know the discomfort you feel when you become resistant or defensive and the unease you feel when you either hear it from others or sense it in them. When we feel threatened, defensiveness or resistance is our initial, natural, perhaps inevitable reaction. We would probably be surprised if we stopped to think how much energy we use up resisting new ideas and differing values, blocking unwelcome feedback, defending our position. The reaction is so automatic, the habit so deeply ingrained that often we aren’t conscious of being in a defensive or resistant posture.
Handling Resistance from Others
Often, your self-disclosures will be accepted and even welcomed.
There are times, however, when your I-Messages will result in resistance or defensiveness from others. (You may have heard of this concept in leadership training or other types of training you’ve attended.) ...Read more
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